If this year has brought me anything, I believe it has brought me closer to the heart of God.

And I would never trade any of the heartbreak and disappointment of the year to be where I was at the beginning – fresh-faced and hopeful, unscarred and heart-toughened, for where I am now – weathered and longing, heart-fragile and wiser.

Now, when I read a story of a man on the street – a man who retells being lied to by a father, left in an orphanage, beaten by men with no kindness left and raped by another with the Devil in his soul – I weep. Hot, angry, heartbroken tears for an innocent man caught in a war. A war between love and selfishness. Good and evil.

Now, I turn my tear-tracked face to the side of Love and Goodness, and say ‘Jesus, come back. Come back soon.’

Now, somehow, in the space where I would have raised loud, angry accusations, I’m quiet. And in that silence I can hear His heart break too.

And to be honest, I don’t understand it completely. Why the price of love and freedom must be so high, so painful. Why the Devil inflicts more suffering on some than others.

Yet now, even in the midst of that mystery, I better understand God. That He is waiting in the wings for the ‘just right’ moment to end evil and its pain and suffering forever. That each human that is, was and will be is precious to Him and loved by Him in a way that defies even the greatest and purest ideas of love we could ever create in our mind. That He is calling each one of us into His kingdom to be restored by Christ – restored to resemble Him: lovers of kindness, mercy, justice and peace.